Small thoughts #5

Sometimes, you are in front of situations, that could end up really amazing or really bad. I'm living it right now. I'm waiting to see what's going to happen. If things go well, I'll make a huge step forward. If not it will be really disappointing. I feel like I want to pray. But I'm not sure that I'm faithful anymore. And I'm pessimist by nature, with small periods of optimism. Not at this moment for sure...

Ghosteen

So, Nick Cave announced a new album. To be honest I'm still not 100% certain that he is not trolling us all. But then Susie and George post the cover, like Nick did. But not Jim or Larry. And following most of them on Instagram and Facebook, I didn't see them all together gathering somewhere to record, for at least a year. Which of course is not any longer necessary with all the technology, nowdays. Anyway, I put a story of the cover on my Instagram stories.

The best part, about the new album thing is the reactions. Reactions like mine here. Conspiracy theories, what it means that one is kids and the other parents part, what the cover is hiding, Buddhism, New Age, JW type of drawing, Nick is touring with conversations, no single announced, no video, blah blah. And I saw so many people that I know online and offline, losing their mind and talk bollocks.

Anyway, my logic says, we'll wait and we'll see. Next week, Nick said. Still not convinced...

Edit: Is true after all! Ghosteen is coming out next week! So good to be true. 

Paul

Paul lives in a shelter for homeless. For some weird reason, somebody has wrote a review on Google for the shelter calling it "a horrible place to live" awarding it with one star. I meet Paul quite often around midnight, begging for some money to buy a can of beer. I'm the guy that will cover him to the off licence to buy a can of beer almost every time I'll see him. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong for doing this. I know that if I don't do it, he'll wait outside the place till really late till he makes it to gather the amount he needs. Two Pounds. So, I am covering him, cause I want to see him grabbing happily his beer, going to his bed in the shelter and stay there for the night.

All the times I did it, he was was really thankful, walked in the same direction with me, till his shelter, gave me a handshake, thanked me again and assured me that he would stay in the shelter till the morning while ringing the bell for the door to open.

Paul is black, without teeth and I'm not sure if he's always drunk, mentally ill or both. He's definitely the person that most of you, would avoid, be rude to and definitely wouldn't have a handshake with. Without knowing his story, for me, Paul could be any of us. Paul is the by-product of our "civilisation". Paul is human though and carries a soul. And every soul should be treated with Kindness.

Kidney stone

Last night on my way home from work I experienced the strongest pain ever in my life, around my belly, spreading all the way around my back. I would really prefer to die at this moment. It was unbearable. Some painkillers and a hot water bottle allowed me to go through the night, hoping that the pain will go. The opposite happened.

I skipped work and crawled to Charing Cross hospital, this morning. Had blood and urine tests and a CT scan found a kidney stone, quite big, that made it to the bladder, creating inflammations all the way there. I'm drugged like an elephant right now and given extra medication for the days following. I really thought that it was something more severe, from the amount of pain. Something like terminal stage cancer. I was ready to give my cremation instructions to my best friend. Happy that I left standing from there. On positive news, my blood exams (apart from some values affected by the inflammations and pain) are perfect. Never thought of this. I really thought that my blood condition would be much more bad than it is.

I would like to thank my friends, that after learned about my small adventure, they wished me well and offered me any kind of help and advices. It's really nice to know that your friends care.

Our NHS is a jewel. What they did for me in almost five hours, would have take weeks in Greece. I feel more proud now that I participated in the campaign to save Charing Cross hospital from demolition, that the government wanted. And I would like to thank everyone there for taking care of me!

How cool is that the girl in the CT scan told me "Pull your pants down.". Never been told this before...

Regroup

I'm doing great these days. I realised though, that now that the adrenaline levels of the initial excitement for change are dropping, so is the speed of the changes. I need to regroup a bit. I agree with what I read somewhere in the internet. It's the discipline and not the motivation that push you forward. And I'm glad that this time I realise that it's time to stop, evaluate, regroup and move on. All my previous attempts failed because I never did this and I was returning back to the "normal" condition of me. Cause change is difficult. I have achieved a lot in a very short time though and already earned a lot.

October will be very important month. My studies begin and I have to be ready for it. I need to speed up decluttering my home, my computer, my phone, my feelings and create systems that will work like good habits. It's called consistency. I will keep repeating these words till they become my nature. Discipline and consistency.

Is just a little pause to decide which is the right path to practically reach my targets, learning from what doesn't work properly. I'll need only a few days to work it out and I'll move forward again. And I'm sure that the improved system will be more effective.

Small thoughts #4

Many times someone will treat you bad. And you will wonder or even ask that someone "Do I deserve this?". I have done it. The answer is yes. You deserve this. I can only think of two possibilities why someone will treat you bad. You are a cunt, so you deserve it. This someone is a cunt, so again you deserve it, cause you shouldn't deal with cunts.

Memory

You can always delete a photo. From Facebook, Instagram, your camera or your phone. And it will be gone from your eyes forever. Maybe there will be some copy left in someone else's computer, who downloaded this photo and you will recover it.

What you can't delete is the memory of the event that was in the photo. Time will erode the memory. But memory will always be there, even distorted. A memory is another spacetime.

The exact time that the memory took place will be forgotten very quick. That's why fairytales begins with "Once upon a time...". A memory is a fairytale. Not easy to remember an exact date you were somewhere, unless if it was a special day. And even this will be probably forgotten, eventually.

The exact place of the memory will always be there, even if it is nuclear bombed. It will change though. You might have spent hours in your favourite record store when you were a kid or teenager, discovering music. The record store is now a clothes store. You still pass outside and the name of the record store comes in your mind. You might remember by appearance some of the people working there. You'll remember the first time you went there, probably with your best friend at the time. You remember your best friend that you have no news from for ages. You might remember funny or weird stories while being there. Or you will be transferred to another memory spacetime, connected with your best friend at the time and wonder where is he now. If the place has not changed, you will have a clear memory. You will remember exactly where you standed, what you did, who you were with, the noises around you, the weather conditions.

A sharing memory is more complicated. It is more than you, that shared the specific timespace. That makes a memory complicated. You will always remember the first time you went somewhere with someone. You will remember this someone no matter how many years will pass or how many years you haven't seen this person. A small trigger will remind you of this person. There are at least two different observations of this memory. That's why you say you had great time somewhere, but the person shared the memory says opposite. This spacetime memory maybe seems ideal to you, but not for everyone. We are all different. A cool place for you, can be seen horrible for someone else.

What triggers a memory is a place, a photo, a song, an object or a person. It could be a combination of all these. You have connected a song to a person. Every time I listen to "Ruby baby" can´t help myself remembering Ruby, the girl from Philippines that I worked with and I was singing her this song every time I seen her. I know she is good and happy somewhere in London, but I have no connections with her for years. All my ex girlfriends are connected with a song. "The loom of the land" is the most recent. I hope she is happy. Women I had a crush on are connected with the song. It's funny how the music of a game that I played on my phone is connected with Maria. I used to chat with her while playing the game. I know she is happy in a place in Europe. Friends that died, are connected with a song. The last time I met Stavros, he was holding the soundtrack of Pulp Fiction that had just bought on vinyl. I hope he made a good listen to it. 

The more observative you are, the more detailed memories you'll create. So look around you at all times. Your memories will make you want to create more memories. There will be always a memory to be, a memory that never happened but maybe you'll have the chance to create it. Go for it. And do it with your loved ones. Memories are those that connect us with our best friend, our significant one, our family. Create memories with those you love. Everyday. Or you will end up with the memory of the person you loved, only.

Memories are part of you. Memories is you. Memories is your little blot in this world. Most of your memories will die with you. Part of your memories will die later when those lived with you, die as well. Your memories will die totally when those who heard your memories as stories from someone else, die. And your blot will be only beraucracy paperwork in some envelopes filled with dust or in a old computer hard drive. Your blot will be old photos and personal belongings that will pass to other hands or end up in a landfill.  

Lavrentis

Lavrentis has left the building.

"...The moon looks like you.

Where to find serenity.

Over Hades I'm dawning.

How (much) I want you..."

Student

Well, I've applied and accepted to study for BA in Philosophy, Politics and Economics at the Open University. I wanted to do this since I moved to the UK and finally the time has come. I'm not doing it for professional reasons. I have a profession and I'm really good at it. I'm doing it to become a better person. I'm doing it to prove wrong all my teachers in Greece when they were always saying that I'm intelligent, but lazy. I was not lazy, I was just bored the way the system worked. I'm doing it to prove myself that my capabilities have no limits. I can do anything, under the right guidance, but only if I want. I still have some issues to resolve, but the great Marcus Aurelius said "What stands in the way, becomes the way" and I believe him. I'm going all the way, this time.

Time

Time is the greatest master of all. You can't buy time no matter how much money you have. I spent a lot of time from my life on wrong activities, on wrong people, on wrong places. But it's always the right time, to reclaim your time ahead. This small talk after work with people you have no real connection with. This time that you spend, during your transportation, to look for useless updates on Facebook and funny YouTube videos. The time in the nights before sleeping, checking the what I call "Where are they now?", for friends and old colleagues and classmates and ex gfs. I started to use all this time better. Reading in the bus, meet people that I appreciate now, avoiding small talks with anyone. You can't master yourself, if you can't master your time. I started using the Google calendar and it's really useful. I am under control of my time. But I still give unlimited time to those people I enjoy their company. Because, friendship is one of the most important things in life, according to Epicurus. Time spent with friends and those you love is never a waste. Don't be mean on this.

Thanos

One of the last jobs I did to survive, before leaving Greece, was attaching posters in the center of Athens. Difficult job. I could write a book with stories from this period, with incidents happened to me and people I met. Out of thousands posters I attached, this was my favourite. Thanos Anestopoulos was already one of my favourite artists since he was singing for Diafana Krina (=Transparent Lillies). I kept one and now is onto the door of my small wardrobe in Nikaia. In the other door is a poster from the last ever concert of FF.C. at An Club, that I "stole" from Kavouras entrance in Exarchia.

I attended one of the concerts in the poster. It was magic night that lasted till really early in the morning. My only and most precious night, listening to his voice, singing his poetic creations. There won't be another Thanos. He died of cancer on the 3rd September 2016. His memory and lyrics will remain forever.

Some lyrics, I obviously translated poorly from his "This is not a love song", in remembrance.

" ... Love is the kiss to the defeated friends.

Love have the poor roses and the white lilies.

Love is the smile at the edge of our silence.

Love have the wings, that take you away from death..."

Small thought #3

There might be a positive response, a negative response or not a response at all. In any case it doesn't matter. Your responses or non responses, won't affect a thing in the course of the planet. It might affect me, but I don't care, so nobody does, really.