Back to the light

It's been a long time that I was wondering what went wrong. I was blaming myself for everything bad that have happened to me making me sad and feeling guilty. I was self-isolating, refusing to meet people and it didn't have to do with the lockdowns or the virus. I kept my mask of fake happiness held up at almost all times.

On the background though, I've spent a lot of time trying to find out answers on everything. Then one day I remembered Epictetus' quote "Devote the rest of your life to making progress". I thought about it. Nothing can stop me from progressing in everything, except myself. All is needed is hard work, commitment and consistency. It can be something trivial, but it's still a progress. Each lesson of Spanish I make everyday, teach me a language. Each extra lift of weights, makes my body stronger. Each page I read, teach me something new. Each place I visit, gives me an experience. Each material thing in my home that I get rid of or replace makes my life easier. 

On the other hand I realised how much time, than won't come back, I've spent for absolutely nonsense. Like the time I spent to spy (I feel ashamed about it now) people that rejected me as a person. Like the time I've spent with people that the only thing they offered me in the end, was the lesson of not dealing with people that are shallow and they live their "no future" phase of their lives, with zero purposes and zero capability to built strong, honest friendships. What is the point of being surrounded by pleasant people, when they won't be there to support you in hard times? Or when they just spent their free time with you, when they don't have an alternative option? Or when they call you "brother" and "love" but in reality they don't even invite you for a coffee, ever.  But I really thank you for the lesson, I honestly wish good luck to you and I hope our lives will never meet again, under any circumstances.

I got absolutely tired of dealing with people that they will remember me only when the need is calling. I moved a step forward on this though. I don't deal with them anymore. I communicate with my friends to learn their news. I try to avoid communicate with people that they are messaging me only for their shit. Mate, you got a problem? Google it! I'm not your problem solutioner. I haven't solve my problems more or less. Fuck off, really!

Anyway, I have learned to deal with everything that comes without asking help from anyone. Never again. If I made it getting over alive from all this depression, caused by the runaway of two special people that came in my life and gone forever, I can get over anything, except death of course. I read what I wrote in the past few months here and I'm definitely a different, better person now.

The last few days, I caught myself laughing loud from reading things on social media, I caught myself getting dressed nicely (I even iron clothes and polish my shoes, which happens...never), I caught myself walking in the street gracefully, smiling at other people. 

Mr. Coupland, now I know where to start when I want to start my life again. I take a rest, look inside me and begin again. I say "never mind" to any steps taken back and I keep on progressing. 

I'm back to the light for good, motherfuckers! :-)