Douglas

 "So where do you start when you want to start your life again?" wrote Douglas Coupland. I wondered about it. I really need to start anew.

Well, I made a coffee. I put some music. I cleaned up my laptop. I cleared my table. I emptied my closet. Chose the clothes I needed. Wrote down what I need. And this is the surface of my wondering, but it is essential. When you have order around you, order will come to your brain. And you will think more logically. No more daydreaming, no more possible life scenarios in my mind. Things are, as they are. Now, I got to think what is needed to move on. And start living again.
 
Organisation, order and consistency are the keys. Organisation of my time and money. The two valuable resources. Organisation leads to order. Consistency will keep me going, when the days of laziness or depression will return. It's the time that I got to be strong and keep doing what I have to do. Like an automatic pilot in a plane. I got to keep flying. 

Then, as you know a human is soul, body and mind. All of them are sick on me. Got to heal them. Philosophy and journaling for my soul. Exercise that will get more and more intense as time goes by. Read and watch useful stuff and investigating interesting stuff for the mind. 

I got much more resources than many. It's important, in my view, to start from zero though. You add up the experience you gain all these years and you protect yourself from all the bad situations. A lesson from the past is that if I'm consistent for a certain time, I can achieve a lot. Lost weight, saved money, lived happy. So I have the guide of how to achieve everything. As U2 said in Sarajevo "Fuck the past, kiss the future."

Miss you

 Wish you knew, how much I miss you.

Memory Box

Took out my memory box. Been to museums, small and huge football grounds, concert halls, theaters, beautiful cities. Met nice and not so nice people. Heard languages that are not familiar to me. Took the wrong directions again. Waited in long queues. Drunk a lot of coffees. Ate a lot of food. Spoke and hug and kissed people I loved. It's time to show my tongue again. David would be angry. Ekaterina would love that. She never stopped doing it and she is happy. I did and I regret. I'm starting another adventure. I'm chasing another dream. I'm showing my tongue again.

Share

Very often I read it learn some stuff that I would like so much to share with you. I would like to know your opinion about it and I would like to tell me more about it. I'm resigned to that.

Lowest

I´m at the lowest point of my life. It´s a fact. I never faced so many difficulties at the same time. Every day is like a warfare. I´m carrying a lot of pain inside me. More than anyone can carry. I´m ready to say for the first time in my life "I give up". And I have said before that I´ll give up only if I die. I´m scared of my thoughts, sometimes.  

Another Reset?

You know this feature about memories on Facebook. I have a look at it from time to time. I read so many posts I made about delete, reset, restart, reconstruct, tabula rasa blah blah blah. Have I done anything, really? Have I reached somewhere? Have I accomplish anything? Am I still slave to old habits, to the same toxic people, to similar way of thinking, to material rubbish I collect? Does the ghosts from the past still haunting me? Will I ever reinvent myself? Do I have to? What is the meaning of everything and anything? 

I'm leaving a job, cause I feel tired and fed up and to escape the routine. I'm so excited for my new job. Then the time comes that the negative feelings return. Is there really something bad about the jobs I've done? Or is just in my mind as the Stoics wrote? 

Same with people. As time passes, less and less are close to me. And making new friendships becomes so difficult. Sometimes I feel like it would be great if life was a kind of a football manager game, where you have every player with all the statistics concerning him and you choose to buy him or not. Unfortunately, life is more complicated than this. People that were so close to me, back in Greece, are just people I know, now. My best friends in London that I create strong bonds with, moved back to their countries. And the more I change jobs, the less I'm interested in making new friends from work. I find them absolutely shallow. I might have the necessary and natural that Epicurus wrote about, but I lack in friends. 

There's an answer to all my questions. If you know the problem, you can find the solution. Yes, I have moved forward since I was writing all these posts on Facebook. No, I haven't finished the job as I should. But I realised that every time I reset I go faster and further away from my old self. And I realise my mistakes quicker. And my reactions are faster. 

I believe a new reset is needed. I have almost a whole month off work. I'm going to my home. Usually this would mean party, drinks, dance, fun. This time I really want to go and relax and taste a bit of a good life. I want to do different things than the usual.

On my way back, I know that I might find ruins. Recession leads to job cuts. I'm not certain I'll still have a job. My friends who will wait for me will be counted in the fingers of one hand. 

Enough with complaining though. One thing at a time. Now got to prepare my trip. Then enjoy my trip as I imagine it. Then I'll come back and face whatever I have to face, without what if, buts or whys. Just do what I always do. Stand and fight. Stand a fight. And evaluate every day of the situations and relationships. And focus on my tagrets again. And not let anything or anyone between me and my purpose.

Another Reset. Why not? 1st of September is always a nice day to Reset! I will win this time. Or die trying.

My friend

She made me forget absolutely about my ex. She turned the lockdown from a self-destructive, depressive, almost suicidal, period into a pleasant holiday in the city.

She taught me Flume.

She put me back to basketball and training in general.

She made me waking up happy, looking impatiently for the day, even without her presence.

She honoured me with her friendship.

She doesn't talk to me anymore.

I'm tired of fighting in an asymmetric warfare.