2023

I have this good friend, who always says that books are nothing and doing things instead of reading about them is better. I was always arguing with him that books are important, before actions. As I learnt, while studying Sociology though, the truth is always somewhere in the middle. For every event that is happening, different actors will testify their own views on it. Views that are based heavily in factors like, the place and the time they were brought up, their belief systems, their religion, their political views, their habits and hobbies, the things they love, rumours they heard or read, a bit of fantasy, forgetfulness or exaggeration and a bit of lies occasionally. 

Observing myself for a while, the year that passed, I realised that I'm good in theory, but not equally good at action. While, I absolutely knew which the path was, in order to achieve excellent results, didn't always follow it. That caused delays, average results, exhaustion and sometimes self disappointment. Some friends told me that I achieved a lot. I never told them, but I always replied to myself, that I achieved a lot, but not as much as I could. I know I am just a human, but human nature can be altered for the better, if you can eliminate flaws and embrace virtues. Achieving this and take some more action are my targets for the year that just begun. As Brandon Flowers of The Killers sung "Rise up like the sun, labor 'till the work is done". 

In 2022, I know I was hard to be reached by most of my friends, I take the blame for it, I apologise and I promise I will work to improve. 

I miss the sea. I only spent a few hours next to it. To float in the sea the temperature of blood, to rephrase Douglas Coupland, is what I wish the most in 2023. And I will achieve this too.

I would like to wish to everyone who reads this, a great 2023. Always remember that there is no obstacle that can not be overridden on what you want to achieve, except yourself  and people who "can't tell the good from evil" as described from my dead Philosopher-Emperor. To them you can either use his words "None of you can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness." or use the wise words of the greatest football player of all time "¿Que mirá, Bobo? ¡Andá payá!" 

Book

I will write a book. It will be titled "Why you should stop benefiting ungrateful cunts".

All good here!

Everything is going really good here. First of all, I'm healthy. Being fully vaccinated and negative in COVID tests for so long. Then I am working full time in jobs that I love so much. After a long time, I got a good amount of money saved and I'm looking forward to accomplish my plans for 2022. I'm telling you, it's going to be a great year! Work hard, take small steps, be patient, be consistent.

Back to the light

It's been a long time that I was wondering what went wrong. I was blaming myself for everything bad that have happened to me making me sad and feeling guilty. I was self-isolating, refusing to meet people and it didn't have to do with the lockdowns or the virus. I kept my mask of fake happiness held up at almost all times.

On the background though, I've spent a lot of time trying to find out answers on everything. Then one day I remembered Epictetus' quote "Devote the rest of your life to making progress". I thought about it. Nothing can stop me from progressing in everything, except myself. All is needed is hard work, commitment and consistency. It can be something trivial, but it's still a progress. Each lesson of Spanish I make everyday, teach me a language. Each extra lift of weights, makes my body stronger. Each page I read, teach me something new. Each place I visit, gives me an experience. Each material thing in my home that I get rid of or replace makes my life easier. 

On the other hand I realised how much time, than won't come back, I've spent for absolutely nonsense. Like the time I spent to spy (I feel ashamed about it now) people that rejected me as a person. Like the time I've spent with people that the only thing they offered me in the end, was the lesson of not dealing with people that are shallow and they live their "no future" phase of their lives, with zero purposes and zero capability to built strong, honest friendships. What is the point of being surrounded by pleasant people, when they won't be there to support you in hard times? Or when they just spent their free time with you, when they don't have an alternative option? Or when they call you "brother" and "love" but in reality they don't even invite you for a coffee, ever.  But I really thank you for the lesson, I honestly wish good luck to you and I hope our lives will never meet again, under any circumstances.

I got absolutely tired of dealing with people that they will remember me only when the need is calling. I moved a step forward on this though. I don't deal with them anymore. I communicate with my friends to learn their news. I try to avoid communicate with people that they are messaging me only for their shit. Mate, you got a problem? Google it! I'm not your problem solutioner. I haven't solve my problems more or less. Fuck off, really!

Anyway, I have learned to deal with everything that comes without asking help from anyone. Never again. If I made it getting over alive from all this depression, caused by the runaway of two special people that came in my life and gone forever, I can get over anything, except death of course. I read what I wrote in the past few months here and I'm definitely a different, better person now.

The last few days, I caught myself laughing loud from reading things on social media, I caught myself getting dressed nicely (I even iron clothes and polish my shoes, which happens...never), I caught myself walking in the street gracefully, smiling at other people. 

Mr. Coupland, now I know where to start when I want to start my life again. I take a rest, look inside me and begin again. I say "never mind" to any steps taken back and I keep on progressing. 

I'm back to the light for good, motherfuckers! :-)

Data

It's all about data. For anything. Want to have a lot of money? Want to lose weight? Keep your data. It's so easy after to progress. Doing this for a while. In much better condition on all aspects, already.

Ough

I couldn't sleep last night. My brain was like playing trivial pursuit. I already made so many mistakes today at work. "What's wrong with you?" as David would say. Come on, man. Keep your shit together.

Douglas

 "So where do you start when you want to start your life again?" wrote Douglas Coupland. I wondered about it. I really need to start anew.

Well, I made a coffee. I put some music. I cleaned up my laptop. I cleared my table. I emptied my closet. Chose the clothes I needed. Wrote down what I need. And this is the surface of my wondering, but it is essential. When you have order around you, order will come to your brain. And you will think more logically. No more daydreaming, no more possible life scenarios in my mind. Things are, as they are. Now, I got to think what is needed to move on. And start living again.
 
Organisation, order and consistency are the keys. Organisation of my time and money. The two valuable resources. Organisation leads to order. Consistency will keep me going, when the days of laziness or depression will return. It's the time that I got to be strong and keep doing what I have to do. Like an automatic pilot in a plane. I got to keep flying. 

Then, as you know a human is soul, body and mind. All of them are sick on me. Got to heal them. Philosophy and journaling for my soul. Exercise that will get more and more intense as time goes by. Read and watch useful stuff and investigating interesting stuff for the mind. 

I got much more resources than many. It's important, in my view, to start from zero though. You add up the experience you gain all these years and you protect yourself from all the bad situations. A lesson from the past is that if I'm consistent for a certain time, I can achieve a lot. Lost weight, saved money, lived happy. So I have the guide of how to achieve everything. As U2 said in Sarajevo "Fuck the past, kiss the future."

Miss you

 Wish you knew, how much I miss you.

Memory Box

Took out my memory box. Been to museums, small and huge football grounds, concert halls, theaters, beautiful cities. Met nice and not so nice people. Heard languages that are not familiar to me. Took the wrong directions again. Waited in long queues. Drunk a lot of coffees. Ate a lot of food. Spoke and hug and kissed people I loved. It's time to show my tongue again. David would be angry. Ekaterina would love that. She never stopped doing it and she is happy. I did and I regret. I'm starting another adventure. I'm chasing another dream. I'm showing my tongue again.

Share

Very often I read it learn some stuff that I would like so much to share with you. I would like to know your opinion about it and I would like to tell me more about it. I'm resigned to that.

Lowest

I´m at the lowest point of my life. It´s a fact. I never faced so many difficulties at the same time. Every day is like a warfare. I´m carrying a lot of pain inside me. More than anyone can carry. I´m ready to say for the first time in my life "I give up". And I have said before that I´ll give up only if I die. I´m scared of my thoughts, sometimes.  

Another Reset?

You know this feature about memories on Facebook. I have a look at it from time to time. I read so many posts I made about delete, reset, restart, reconstruct, tabula rasa blah blah blah. Have I done anything, really? Have I reached somewhere? Have I accomplish anything? Am I still slave to old habits, to the same toxic people, to similar way of thinking, to material rubbish I collect? Does the ghosts from the past still haunting me? Will I ever reinvent myself? Do I have to? What is the meaning of everything and anything? 

I'm leaving a job, cause I feel tired and fed up and to escape the routine. I'm so excited for my new job. Then the time comes that the negative feelings return. Is there really something bad about the jobs I've done? Or is just in my mind as the Stoics wrote? 

Same with people. As time passes, less and less are close to me. And making new friendships becomes so difficult. Sometimes I feel like it would be great if life was a kind of a football manager game, where you have every player with all the statistics concerning him and you choose to buy him or not. Unfortunately, life is more complicated than this. People that were so close to me, back in Greece, are just people I know, now. My best friends in London that I create strong bonds with, moved back to their countries. And the more I change jobs, the less I'm interested in making new friends from work. I find them absolutely shallow. I might have the necessary and natural that Epicurus wrote about, but I lack in friends. 

There's an answer to all my questions. If you know the problem, you can find the solution. Yes, I have moved forward since I was writing all these posts on Facebook. No, I haven't finished the job as I should. But I realised that every time I reset I go faster and further away from my old self. And I realise my mistakes quicker. And my reactions are faster. 

I believe a new reset is needed. I have almost a whole month off work. I'm going to my home. Usually this would mean party, drinks, dance, fun. This time I really want to go and relax and taste a bit of a good life. I want to do different things than the usual.

On my way back, I know that I might find ruins. Recession leads to job cuts. I'm not certain I'll still have a job. My friends who will wait for me will be counted in the fingers of one hand. 

Enough with complaining though. One thing at a time. Now got to prepare my trip. Then enjoy my trip as I imagine it. Then I'll come back and face whatever I have to face, without what if, buts or whys. Just do what I always do. Stand and fight. Stand a fight. And evaluate every day of the situations and relationships. And focus on my tagrets again. And not let anything or anyone between me and my purpose.

Another Reset. Why not? 1st of September is always a nice day to Reset! I will win this time. Or die trying.

My friend

She made me forget absolutely about my ex. She turned the lockdown from a self-destructive, depressive, almost suicidal, period into a pleasant holiday in the city.

She taught me Flume.

She put me back to basketball and training in general.

She made me waking up happy, looking impatiently for the day, even without her presence.

She honoured me with her friendship.

She doesn't talk to me anymore.

I'm tired of fighting in an asymmetric warfare.

Synchronicity

So, my ex is participating in a video that appeared today on YouTube, with her new bf. I see the video and then one of my photos with her, from four years ago pops up as a memory on Instagram. Carl Jung's synchronicity at it's best.

Knot

It's midnight, I want to wake up at five, I'm working at eight. My brain can't just relax and stop overthinking, trying to find reasoning behind other people's actions. My dead-philosopher emperor would be so ashamed of me tonight. How do I get rid of this knot in my thinking? I know how to, really, but I'm so weak in character right now. I'll try to sleep and I'll wake up strong as steel. I promise.

Heidelberg

I was in between dreaming and being awake this morning. I walked to the old building in Aspropirgos in the Wild West of Athens. My Heidelberg from 1968 was in the corner next to the green iron sliding door. Everything ready to cut. My hand made sticker of RATM "The Battle of Los Angeles" was still in front of the small lever that was cutting the air in order to feed the machine with cardboard. I put the machine in motion, moving the red lever in the middle position. The cylinder started its move. Then moved the lever on the right to apply pressure. I checked the feeder, and the exit. Nicely box-to-be cardboard was coming out. I listened to this amazing industrial sound. I woke up for good.

Brain is a strange instrument after all. That was my job for ten years. Apart from this Heidelberg, I was also working on a Swiss Bobst from 1987 and an East German Kama Polygraph from 1976, without spare parts, which meant we had to improvise to keep it in working condition, and some other machines doing other jobs. I know every single detail, button, lever of these machines. I've been under, on the side and on top of these machines. I could realise there was problem only by the sound they made. I was their master. I still believe this was the most artistic thing, I've done in my life. I would have been a good mechanic. I could have studied it when I had the opportunity, but I refused, despite my father's pressure to go to the Technical University of Crete and do it.

Anyway, I'm doing something else now, which I enjoy and I'm good at and still feel the same pressure every working day. But I do miss the sound of noise.

Walk

These days of the lockdown, I randomly walk around Hammersmith, Fulham and Kensington. I'm walking on streets that I've never been to before. In normal times I'm using the fastest road to go from A to B and this is a central road, usually. In these walks I'm stopping very often and I'm looking at the flowers and the small details of the buildings. I look at all this craftsmanship. I also see the decay.

I see closed restaurants and I wonder how it was before they close. I think of the people opened them, full of dreams and expectations for the future. I see them preparing their recipes and they are so certain of how good their food is. I see them in their opening day, waiting impatiently for the first phone call or the first visit from a customer. I see them counting the first day's income at the end of the service. I see them making their order list for the next day. I see them again counting their income in the second day, hoping it will be a bit more than the day before. I see their worry when the guests are less. I see their desperation, when they realise that they spend more than they get. I see them try to think what else they could do to keep going. And this is their only thought day and night. I see them the day they realise that they got to go. I see their sadness and depression. I see them in looking for ways to minimise their loss. I see them the day they empty everything from inside. All their dreams and expectations carried away in a van or a truck. I see them the last time they lock their door before they give their key to the owner of the place. I see them relieved saying to themselves "And now what?".

I know how it is. I have been all through this procedure. Inexperienced and naive enough to follow the rules, while the competition wasn't. I spent a whole year trying to keep it going. I got nice new equipment to get rid of the rubbish that the previous business owner used. I was buying the best ingredients in the market. I refused to steal the VAT tax, like everyone. I did my best to make the place look nice. I run out of capital to support my business. Then it was just struggle. I was so sad when this guy came and in reality he loot the whole place for a few Euros in return. Oh, yeah. I know how it feels. I wish I had the experience I gained here in London, back then. Things would be different. I now see all these closed restaurants and I wonder how this space would be if it was mine. What chairs I would have? What I would put in the walls? What food and beverages I would provide? Maybe I'll try again some day, but not alone. Doing everything on your own is so hard.

Back to my walks. I see every building separately. I'm thinking how many lives were lived there. Young couples and old pensioners and financial immigrants looking for a better life. Windows full of black polution dust that only allows a small percentage of the sunlight to enter the room. Some are really nice, with curtains always open and a light on all night to show off how beautifully decorated their living room is. Some have their curtains always closed. Some are just investments. Nobody lives there. A pile of letters and flyers from takeaways and house agencies outside.

I see a lot of nice flowers here and there. They are blooming now. They are so beautiful. I have a strange connection with flowers and plants. I believe they are feeling like animals. That when you show them love, they repay you with flowers and nice leaves. And this is really relaxing for me.

Post birthday thoughts, COVID-19 and other stuff

It was my birthday on the 29th February. Special occasion as it was for real this year. I'm feeling really calm after this day. It was like a point that I realised that life is shorter now and I should really have some fun. I had a nice gathering with friends from London. This guy, that I trained as a chef, took a plane from Switzerland just to attend my gathering and returned back straight after. And this girl that I was with for five years didn't even bother to send a message. Reasoning. It's fine. Birthday is a always a good day to count your friends, anyway.

I fell ill a few days after my birthday. Had to go to the hospital. I survived. Reading afterwards the symptoms of COVID-19, I really believe I had it. In any case, COVID-19 or not I made it alive. I'm starting my self-isolation today, as I'm out of work. I'm waiting for tomorrow to see what will happen with it, but I'm in good spirit, no matter what will come. Extreme situations require extreme measures and I'm ready for it. Not like in Greece a few years ago when the crisis begun. I'll go through it.

I see this situation as an opportunity for catching up with my studies, reading books, listen to music, watch movies, play some ukulele, rest and build some muscles. I'm going for food hunt every morning, as the super markets are empty. So I get whatever I can find. Got some polenta yesterday, the food of the Roman Legions. I haven't seen meat for five days already. I'll turn into vegetarian, I think. Last night, I watched this great documentary about the Seattle scene, entitled "Hype!". It was really good.

I'll try to keep a diary here of my self-isolation from tonight. Take care of yourselves, be kind to others and keep in touch with the people you love.

Saved by the alarm

Most of the times people, including me, say that they woke up in the best part of their dream. I have to say that today I was saved by the alarm, exactly at the right time, before my dream turned to nightmare. As always though, it was a weird dream.

Happy

A lot of people that I met in the past few days said that I look really happy. Yesterday, unexpectedly, someone wrote me the same on a pm on Instagram. Well, yes. I'm officially really happy for many reasons already and will be even happier with things that are about to come. Stay tuned.