Lowest

I´m at the lowest point of my life. It´s a fact. I never faced so many difficulties at the same time. Every day is like a warfare. I´m carrying a lot of pain inside me. More than anyone can carry. I´m ready to say for the first time in my life "I give up". And I have said before that I´ll give up only if I die. I´m scared of my thoughts, sometimes.  

Another Reset?

You know this feature about memories on Facebook. I have a look at it from time to time. I read so many posts I made about delete, reset, restart, reconstruct, tabula rasa blah blah blah. Have I done anything, really? Have I reached somewhere? Have I accomplish anything? Am I still slave to old habits, to the same toxic people, to similar way of thinking, to material rubbish I collect? Does the ghosts from the past still haunting me? Will I ever reinvent myself? Do I have to? What is the meaning of everything and anything? 

I'm leaving a job, cause I feel tired and fed up and to escape the routine. I'm so excited for my new job. Then the time comes that the negative feelings return. Is there really something bad about the jobs I've done? Or is just in my mind as the Stoics wrote? 

Same with people. As time passes, less and less are close to me. And making new friendships becomes so difficult. Sometimes I feel like it would be great if life was a kind of a football manager game, where you have every player with all the statistics concerning him and you choose to buy him or not. Unfortunately, life is more complicated than this. People that were so close to me, back in Greece, are just people I know, now. My best friends in London that I create strong bonds with, moved back to their countries. And the more I change jobs, the less I'm interested in making new friends from work. I find them absolutely shallow. I might have the necessary and natural that Epicurus wrote about, but I lack in friends. 

There's an answer to all my questions. If you know the problem, you can find the solution. Yes, I have moved forward since I was writing all these posts on Facebook. No, I haven't finished the job as I should. But I realised that every time I reset I go faster and further away from my old self. And I realise my mistakes quicker. And my reactions are faster. 

I believe a new reset is needed. I have almost a whole month off work. I'm going to my home. Usually this would mean party, drinks, dance, fun. This time I really want to go and relax and taste a bit of a good life. I want to do different things than the usual.

On my way back, I know that I might find ruins. Recession leads to job cuts. I'm not certain I'll still have a job. My friends who will wait for me will be counted in the fingers of one hand. 

Enough with complaining though. One thing at a time. Now got to prepare my trip. Then enjoy my trip as I imagine it. Then I'll come back and face whatever I have to face, without what if, buts or whys. Just do what I always do. Stand and fight. Stand a fight. And evaluate every day of the situations and relationships. And focus on my tagrets again. And not let anything or anyone between me and my purpose.

Another Reset. Why not? 1st of September is always a nice day to Reset! I will win this time. Or die trying.

My friend

She made me forget absolutely about my ex. She turned the lockdown from a self-destructive, depressive, almost suicidal, period into a pleasant holiday in the city.

She taught me Flume.

She put me back to basketball and training in general.

She made me waking up happy, looking impatiently for the day, even without her presence.

She honoured me with her friendship.

She doesn't talk to me anymore.

I'm tired of fighting in an asymmetric warfare.

Synchronicity

So, my ex is participating in a video that appeared today on YouTube, with her new bf. I see the video and then one of my photos with her, from four years ago pops up as a memory on Instagram. Carl Jung's synchronicity at it's best.

Knot

It's midnight, I want to wake up at five, I'm working at eight. My brain can't just relax and stop overthinking, trying to find reasoning behind other people's actions. My dead-philosopher emperor would be so ashamed of me tonight. How do I get rid of this knot in my thinking? I know how to, really, but I'm so weak in character right now. I'll try to sleep and I'll wake up strong as steel. I promise.

Heidelberg

I was in between dreaming and being awake this morning. I walked to the old building in Aspropirgos in the Wild West of Athens. My Heidelberg from 1968 was in the corner next to the green iron sliding door. Everything ready to cut. My hand made sticker of RATM "The Battle of Los Angeles" was still in front of the small lever that was cutting the air in order to feed the machine with cardboard. I put the machine in motion, moving the red lever in the middle position. The cylinder started its move. Then moved the lever on the right to apply pressure. I checked the feeder, and the exit. Nicely box-to-be cardboard was coming out. I listened to this amazing industrial sound. I woke up for good.

Brain is a strange instrument after all. That was my job for ten years. Apart from this Heidelberg, I was also working on a Swiss Bobst from 1987 and an East German Kama Polygraph from 1976, without spare parts, which meant we had to improvise to keep it in working condition, and some other machines doing other jobs. I know every single detail, button, lever of these machines. I've been under, on the side and on top of these machines. I could realise there was problem only by the sound they made. I was their master. I still believe this was the most artistic thing, I've done in my life. I would have been a good mechanic. I could have studied it when I had the opportunity, but I refused, despite my father's pressure to go to the Technical University of Crete and do it.

Anyway, I'm doing something else now, which I enjoy and I'm good at and still feel the same pressure every working day. But I do miss the sound of noise.

Walk

These days of the lockdown, I randomly walk around Hammersmith, Fulham and Kensington. I'm walking on streets that I've never been to before. In normal times I'm using the fastest road to go from A to B and this is a central road, usually. In these walks I'm stopping very often and I'm looking at the flowers and the small details of the buildings. I look at all this craftsmanship. I also see the decay.

I see closed restaurants and I wonder how it was before they close. I think of the people opened them, full of dreams and expectations for the future. I see them preparing their recipes and they are so certain of how good their food is. I see them in their opening day, waiting impatiently for the first phone call or the first visit from a customer. I see them counting the first day's income at the end of the service. I see them making their order list for the next day. I see them again counting their income in the second day, hoping it will be a bit more than the day before. I see their worry when the guests are less. I see their desperation, when they realise that they spend more than they get. I see them try to think what else they could do to keep going. And this is their only thought day and night. I see them the day they realise that they got to go. I see their sadness and depression. I see them in looking for ways to minimise their loss. I see them the day they empty everything from inside. All their dreams and expectations carried away in a van or a truck. I see them the last time they lock their door before they give their key to the owner of the place. I see them relieved saying to themselves "And now what?".

I know how it is. I have been all through this procedure. Inexperienced and naive enough to follow the rules, while the competition wasn't. I spent a whole year trying to keep it going. I got nice new equipment to get rid of the rubbish that the previous business owner used. I was buying the best ingredients in the market. I refused to steal the VAT tax, like everyone. I did my best to make the place look nice. I run out of capital to support my business. Then it was just struggle. I was so sad when this guy came and in reality he loot the whole place for a few Euros in return. Oh, yeah. I know how it feels. I wish I had the experience I gained here in London, back then. Things would be different. I now see all these closed restaurants and I wonder how this space would be if it was mine. What chairs I would have? What I would put in the walls? What food and beverages I would provide? Maybe I'll try again some day, but not alone. Doing everything on your own is so hard.

Back to my walks. I see every building separately. I'm thinking how many lives were lived there. Young couples and old pensioners and financial immigrants looking for a better life. Windows full of black polution dust that only allows a small percentage of the sunlight to enter the room. Some are really nice, with curtains always open and a light on all night to show off how beautifully decorated their living room is. Some have their curtains always closed. Some are just investments. Nobody lives there. A pile of letters and flyers from takeaways and house agencies outside.

I see a lot of nice flowers here and there. They are blooming now. They are so beautiful. I have a strange connection with flowers and plants. I believe they are feeling like animals. That when you show them love, they repay you with flowers and nice leaves. And this is really relaxing for me.

Post birthday thoughts, COVID-19 and other stuff

It was my birthday on the 29th February. Special occasion as it was for real this year. I'm feeling really calm after this day. It was like a point that I realised that life is shorter now and I should really have some fun. I had a nice gathering with friends from London. This guy, that I trained as a chef, took a plane from Switzerland just to attend my gathering and returned back straight after. And this girl that I was with for five years didn't even bother to send a message. Reasoning. It's fine. Birthday is a always a good day to count your friends, anyway.

I fell ill a few days after my birthday. Had to go to the hospital. I survived. Reading afterwards the symptoms of COVID-19, I really believe I had it. In any case, COVID-19 or not I made it alive. I'm starting my self-isolation today, as I'm out of work. I'm waiting for tomorrow to see what will happen with it, but I'm in good spirit, no matter what will come. Extreme situations require extreme measures and I'm ready for it. Not like in Greece a few years ago when the crisis begun. I'll go through it.

I see this situation as an opportunity for catching up with my studies, reading books, listen to music, watch movies, play some ukulele, rest and build some muscles. I'm going for food hunt every morning, as the super markets are empty. So I get whatever I can find. Got some polenta yesterday, the food of the Roman Legions. I haven't seen meat for five days already. I'll turn into vegetarian, I think. Last night, I watched this great documentary about the Seattle scene, entitled "Hype!". It was really good.

I'll try to keep a diary here of my self-isolation from tonight. Take care of yourselves, be kind to others and keep in touch with the people you love.

Saved by the alarm

Most of the times people, including me, say that they woke up in the best part of their dream. I have to say that today I was saved by the alarm, exactly at the right time, before my dream turned to nightmare. As always though, it was a weird dream.

Happy

A lot of people that I met in the past few days said that I look really happy. Yesterday, unexpectedly, someone wrote me the same on a pm on Instagram. Well, yes. I'm officially really happy for many reasons already and will be even happier with things that are about to come. Stay tuned.